An Ode to Carlos Quintana

130-95FrApropos of yet another biblical winter tempest headed our way, scheduled to create further havoc and MBTA cancellations soon, and with a hopeful eye toward Spring- whenever it may arrive- here is part 1 of my ode to the ultimate boys of summer, the most fascinating characters to ever don the Sox garb.

Carlos Quintana
I’ll never forget my first game at Fenway. I was six years-old and my family and I were cast down the right field line, in that lovely area where your options are either to slowly break your neck over nine innings or to get a real good feel for the right fielder. I gave up on the diamond action early and gave Quintana, the Sox right-fielder during the early 90’s, my undivided attention. Carlos didn’t disappoint, unless you consider an absence of baseball wherewithal disappointing.

Quintana was a varsity fidgeter. When he wasn’t hocking loogies or picking his spikes he was “adjusting” himself with the apparent zest of a bull kick to the gonads. Occasional fly balls gave Carlos a brief seizure and then catapulted him on a magical escapade of circumventive pirouettes through the outfield.  This was all fascinating stuff to watch, especially as a six-year-old who was just caught up in the ambiance. Think of Bryce Harper casually gliding to a fly ball and making a one handed catch, and then think of the opposite, and that was Quintana.

What really solidified Quintana’s status as ubermensch in my eyes, though, stemmed from a single event that occurred during the later innings of that same game. After a particularly round-about route to a can of corn caused Carlos’ cap to fly off, I bellowed/chirped, “Hey, Carlos! Keep your hat on!” I thought this a terribly droll thing to shout at the time, and I remember feeling pleased with my spontaneity and nerve. But then I noticed some folks in the vicinity chuckling in my direction and my brother smacked me aside the head and called me a doofus, and I started to second-guess my supposed brilliance. Carlos, however, after retrieving his hat, glanced sheepishly in my direction (Fenway was half-filled in these days, and so it was easy to spot an errant little shit with a flippant attitude), and, in an apparent display of sympathy or shame, gave me what can best be described as a passive thumbs-up.

What a gesture! And a valuable lesson for six-year old me: Sometimes when everyone thinks you’re a numbskull and you probably are, in fact, a numbskull, there’s often someone in the vicinity who’s numbskull factor trumps yours, and who can relate and possibly extend a helping hand.

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My Reaction to Ortiz PED Allegations

papiDavid Ortiz is the latest in a fearsome lineup of would-be hall of famers to be dragged under the worn tarmac of performance-enhancing drug speculation. If proven guilty, I would advocate for the lifetime ban of this once-proud slugger as I would for any player caught cheating the game. One day, when the smoke finally clears, Major League Baseball could be faced with a cold reality: maybe 90% of ballplayers juiced. Maybe Cal Ripken, Ken Griffey Jr., Albert Pujols, Greg Maddux, Rickey Henderson-maybe they all were cheaters.

If Bud Selig had the testicular fortitude to draw a line in the sand, he would have done so by now. Pete Rose is banished from the game for betting on his team to win games. And yet we slap blatant, omnipresent cheaters with 50 game suspensions? Manny Ramirez returns to Mannywood and is marketed just as feverishly as before his suspension?

While it pains me to have to call into question the first Red Sox championship in 86 years, I think we have to do so now, regardless of the fact that probably every other team was cheating in some capacity as well. This defense (the “he stole, so why shouldn’t I?” line of reasoning) is as immature as it is short-sighted.

If tomorrow we exposed each and every current ballplayer that at one point had used steroids and we expelled all these players from the game, MLB would be faced with a serious predicament. My guess is we’d lose half our beloved hometown heroes. Selig would have to dip beyond the farm system, probably into D3 community college baseball, maybe Babe Ruth, who knows? The caliber of play might go down the tubes but just imagine the joy and innocence derived from watching an honest game of baseball.

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Fenway, Frankly

I went to Fenway for the first time in a dog’s age the other night and watched the Sox lose to Cleveland on a series of Jed Lowrie missed-opportunities. While the outcome was unfavorable, it seems Fenway has not lost any of its charms or ambiance.

I was stashed with a comrade up in the right field grandstands, under a pall of the upper deck (which did nothing to warm an already frigid evening). No cup holders up in section 5, no heated seats, no fan-friendly, turn-of-the-century amenities like those that soothe the spoiled bosoms of the “fans” in Arizona or St. Petersburg. Denizens are satisfied with a cocktail of baseball, bellowed obscenities and the rank perfume of spilled beer.

By the fifth inning my neck felt like an un-greased door hinge and my arse, which I had painstakingly managed to coerce into a plank of wood designed for an anorexic toddler, had assumed the properties of a cast iron bowling ball.

In the middle of the inning, mostly in an attempt to stave off paralysis, I decided to embark on a mission into the bowels of Fenway in search of a cold brew and a hotdog. I flopped and cajoled my way down aisles, across motley assortments of hooligans. I stepped on a little girl’s toes and earned a look from her 300-pound mother that would’ve made Tek blush. And as I made my way down the cement steps, hitting holes like a disoriented tailback, I remembered again why I love Fenway. There is no place like it. In a baloney-infested world, Fenway is a preserved slice of raw authenticity.

Screw the new-frangled, imitation, retro faux-parks. Screw the new Yankee Stadium with its 5 kruzillion luxury suites. And screw Hank Steinbrenner on general principle. Long live Fenway, with its cramped seats, smelly patrons, and overpriced dogs.

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Manny Trade Restores Team Concept

Manny RamirezI write for a website called the “Boston Red Sox Fan Site” and so it is with a considerable degree of shame and embarrassment that I sit here and confess that, for the past few years, I haven’t been much of a Sox fan. I’ve retained my Sox memorabilia and paraphernalia, I’ve watched the games here and there, I’ve carried the company card (not literally, of course–anyone who purchases a “Red Sox Nation” card to validate his or her fandom should be bashed over the head with a wiffle bat). But my heart and my soul, the heart and soul I used to pour into every pitch of every inning, were off taking an extended, seventh-inning stretch.

What a difference a trade makes.

I was more into last night’s 2-1 victory over the Oakland A’s than I was into any of the Sox’ World Series games this past October. All of a sudden the Sox spunk was back. The hustle, the grit, the team dynamic; the intangibles that, I always used to fancy, separated us from the heart-less Yankees; all this came as the result of exchanging Manny Ramirez for Jason Bay.

The Sox are no longer a collection of talented ballplayers held hostage under the prima-donna swagger of a millionaire gun-for-hire. By replacing Manny with his natural antithesis, (Bay, an unassuming, team-first ballplayer), the Sox restored their dignity and dropped the traveling circus routine. They became a team again. And a baseball team is what I’ve been waiting and hoping to root for.

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Manny Shenanigans No Longer Cheeky

bdd_mr_lost_7-9-08_bgjdManny Ramirez’s shenanigans, I have recently determined, have lost their cheekiness. They have, to quote Super Troopers, become “cruel and tragic”, which, to continue quoting, “makes them not shenanigans at all, really.”

Antics now come off as forced, PR maneuvers, aimed at trying to rebuild his good standing with the Red Sox faithful. Climb into the monster between innings? Seen it. Muck around playfully with the third base umpire after a check-swing? Blah.

The truth of the matter is that Manny has permanently tarnished his image. Really, I don’t see how shoving a 60 year-old traveling secretary to the ground could not permanently scar a ballplayer’s reputation. The fact that Manny is now trying to cover up his recent indiscretions with a multitude of old Manny-isms just seems pitiful and, again, forced.

Its time for the Sox to take a stand and make a trade. Manny would be all right with it. God knows he’s asked (read: demanded) to be traded before. I’m just tired of the Sox bending to a superstar’s, melodramatic bull-crap (remember Mo Vaughn during the end of his tenure with the Sox?).

This is not the same man-being-Manny that we put up with and actually rooted for before. Manny has crossed the line, and while the Sox brass may lack the minerals to stand up to prima-donna bullies, I’ve seen enough.

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Sox All-Underachievers

At the mid-point of the ’08 season, when many players are being lauded for their first-half accomplishments, I think it would be a disservice to the deserving fumblers around the league not to recognize their remarkable level of ineptitude.

Brainstorming barnstormers

 

Julio Lugo
Who else but Lugo, our erstwhile All-Clunker All-Star, to leadoff? Lugo’s salary this year ($6.5M) and next ($7.25) combined with his .264 batting average, 1HR and (Holy Toledo) 16 errors (be sure to keep a running-tally on that one) make him a cant-miss candidate for an All-Fumble-Team nod.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t the Sox paying Alex Gonzalez a fraction of what Lugo is now swindling from John Henry’s pockets? Wouldn’t Orlando Cabrera seem like a good fit about now? Nomar? (He played short the other day for the Dodgers.) What about John Valentin? Can’t we dig up his bones and cart him out there?

Coco Crisp
Coco looks like he’s trying to swat butterflies with a handkerchief. In the 9th inning against the Yankees the other night (when the Sox brought up their murderers-row of Coco, Varitek, and Lugo to face Yankees closer Mariano Rivera), Coco looked unbearably clueless, flailing (and missing) at three pitches outside the strikezone. Crisp’s .261 BA, 5 HR, and less-than-healthy .310 OBP are all less-than-stellar. But its his arm (the arm that makes Johnny Damon’s look like a howitzer by comparison) that puts Coco in a class by himself. If there were a stat for runners-that-would-have-been-thrown-out-had-not-the-centerfielder-possessed-the-arm-of-a-pre-pubescent-girl, Coco would be the run-away league-leader. Seriously, we are talking about a probable 20-30 run differential.

Ok, I guess there are only two players currently. Varitek is spared due to his expertise at handling the Sox pitching staff and his general thug appeal. Papí is spared because of his significant time on the DL. Manny is spared because, believe it or not, he has 54 RBIs. If you think others are deserving of inclusion, please present your arguments below.

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